In meditation today I was all over the place. Some thoughts were about writing my book; some were about just me and where I am at on this journey. I pulled a couple of cards to see where I needed to focus my energy this week. The cards that came forward were dessert oasis and deep freeze.
Both of these cards are telling me that nothing new I create will yield me anything. So I shouldn't push, manipulate or force anything this week. I have some work to do still on healing my worth issues and feeling whole. I will know when to move forward.
This message scares me because how are we going to survive if I'm not working on my business, even just writing this makes me want to vomit. I know the things I have created are amazing and is helping others. I also know my only attachment can be to create it and put it out there for the world to see, the rest is in the universe's hands to call in those who need it. I know that it will serve who it need it.
Today someone told me to use my gift (gift of clairsentience) and feel what it would feel like to have $3,000 in my hands at this moment. As I sat into this feeling, I began to feel free, relief, like air free to move, flex and bend. To continue to work on me without the pressure of creating something new or revising content. Allowing me just to be, just serve, and healing to my core. To feel free to explore and share my work without pressure or burden.
I tell my clients to write there WAR stories so that they can heal them, to be grateful for each of those stories and for what they have created in you and know that it doesn't mean anything, the story ahead is still unwritten. It's high time I revisit this practice of mine to release some new layers.
When I began, I asked my guides for help locating where this fear and feeling of unworthiness comes from. I was shown me at Five years old in my dad's arms, with the feeling of the weight of the world upon his shoulders. He raised from 5 to 12 on all his own, just me, his little girl and him. He had to learn to juggle working, being a dad and providing a good life for us. He seemed plagued with the fear of failing me, not just failing in general. He just wanted me to know he was never going to leave me, I would always feel safe. What if he couldn't make it, what if he couldn't handle this responsibility on his own? He felt scared to death.
The message came through loud and clear. That was his fear and not your to carry, though I knew I had seemingly carried it forward my whole life. It was like it mirrored back to him through me, especially since I was always worried about him versus myself. I worried about everyone else growing up but myself.
I asked, please how can I detach from this fear that not mine? The answer, nothing comes from trying to push through something to quickly, allow it to be there. You may feel your light within you has been doused but resting and allowing is what will allow you to ripen your fruit.
I hope this journal entry speaks to someone. Please know this was a pivotal turning point in my journey allowing me to go deeper into my shadows to see my own light shine.