I married my husband in April on 2015 on his parents back porch in front of less than 10 people. In fact most people didn't even know when they showed up to our ceremony that August, that we were already legally married. See, this is my third marriage and his first..... He waited to marry until he was sure, (as we all should) because as he said, "This is only happening ONCE for me".
He used to give me a lot slack about being married 2 times prior and I would always say, it's NOT MY FAULT those marriages failed. It was the idiots I married who blew it.
GUESS WHAT I WAS WRONG!
Yes you read that right, I WAS WRONG! Now, don't get it twisted, these MEN were idiots, haha, but I married them. Let's be real here, these were choice I MADE! What I was not doing, was OWNING my part in the situation and how I could have changed things.
The first year of my current marriage was under COMPLETE and udder DISTRESS! We experienced things the first year in our life that most people don't experience in a decade. So much so that 3 days after our ceremony in August, I was in ICU with what they thought was a STROKE...
After 6 months in a deep depression and anxiety ridden state, I began a journey of spiritual work with my mindset and my heart, which literally saved my life. However, the more aware I became and started to "level up" as I like to say, I started to pick him apart, resent him and really just wonder "why" I married him in the first place?
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?
Like I didn't know who I was marrying after 3 years of being together?
I started picking apart his short comings. For example; How he was always defensive, that he had anger issues, that he never communicated with me, he never spent "real" time with me and that he wasn't responsible. Guess WHAT? These are ALL issues my other two husband had, but instead of dealing with the spiritual lesson in front of me and making things better, I cut it off. It would be the equivalent of cutting off your hand because you kept injuring it in the same spot and it was too much work to take the time to treat it so that it would properly heal.
NOW I WOULD LOVE TO SAY, I am solely responsible for figuring out what I was doing all by myself but I wasn't. The point things began to change was the moment I was out to dinner with two beautiful friends and fellow coaches, I was given the reality check I so needed it. (Also, why it is so important to have a coach, while doing mindset work. )
We both reached a place where we were not sure we wanted to continue our marriage.... This is saying a lot, since my husband doesn't believe in divorce and for me, well I was again ...
ready, ready, ready to RUN... Lop it off and RUN! I was NOT allowing him to be the man. I was trying to control every aspect of everything because I was so afraid of going back to the sad, negative place I was once in. I can also tell you I was projecting onto him!!!
After listening to my girlfriends and really using that information to DIG DEEP into HOW CAN I FIX THIS... I REALIZED, I JUST HAD TO FIX MYSELF AND FACE THIS SPIRITUAL LESSON HEAD ON FOR ONCE.
I was tired of history repeating it's self.
I LEARNED the only thing I can CONTROL is my reaction to a person/place or thing. By controlling my reaction, I could change the outcome. I also learned the ART OF AWARENESS... probably the single most important part of it all. When I started paying attention to what I was thinking/feeling about him I would stop and mentally ask myself why that was..... is there something that I CAN do to change this outcome. Every time there was!
I also learned about what they call.... Not having your cake and eating it too!
Let me give you an example. My husband LOVES to BE RIGHT. p.s. this is even when he know's damn well that he is wrong, haha. He loved it so much that we would argue over the power of who was right... OUR EGO'S would duke it out like no other. Then when HE WON, he would bast in his " I was right" crap and it would literally make me want to punch him in the throat.
SO ONE DAY, when he proved me wrong and I heard those fateful words "I WAS RIGHT" come out of his month I simply said. YES, MY LOVE! YOU WERE RIGHT!
You should have seen his face y'all, you would have thought I just handed him a check for a million dollars. He said, how did that taste coming out of your mouth. My response..... " I WOULD RATHER BE HAPPY, THEN RIGHT". He laughed, but the more I did this and the more I change MY REACTION, so did he!
So these behaviors I thought were obnoxious, irritating or infuriating could of stopped A LONG TIME AGO had I just changed my mindset, GOT THE HELL OVER MYSELF and CHANGE MY REACTION. OWNED MY SHIT, MY PART IN IT and humbly chose LOVE, HAPPINESS instead of MY EGO!
Things will never be perfect in any marriage or partnership. How we react to the issues as they arise and how completely mindful of our thoughts and actions we are, determines if we DAMAGE our relationships or STRENGTHEN it.